While we were living in Dallas I signed up for mindfulness and meditation classes. I knew my classmates would be kind and open-hearted. This did little to quell my self-doubts and insecurities.
One teacher in particular rattled me. Not in a mean or menacing way, but he was so transcendent, so at peace with himself and the world, I thought he would see right through me.
He did.
My previous experience with both mindfulness and meditation had been done alone in the comforts of my home. It took effort, but I had moments of peace when the world fell away and my spirit soared. However, it was nearly impossible to maintain this out in the 'real world'. Too many distractions, too much to do, and endless mental chatter prevented me from carrying this calm outside of myself.
This ethereal teacher surprised me. He never asked me to change who I was, how I felt, or the thoughts in my mind.
He taught me to embrace it all.
I started to spend less time forcing myself into body-less pockets of peace and started to welcome my human experience.
It was not easy.
Not then, not now, maybe never.
He taught me that who I was had inherent magic woven into the fiber of me. This magic had nothing to do with my raging anxiety, unhealed trauma, or lack of confidence.
I stopped fighting my body and immersed myself into the river of aliveness flowing within me. There, I connected to all I had been avoiding. Every uncomfortable emotion you could imagine greeted me there. Fear, guilt, shame,...you name it.
My point is, don't beat yourself up if you think you are 'bad' at meditating or mindfulness practices. This very real struggle means you are right on track.
As I continue down this path within, as hard as it is to admit, I am relieved I am off the hook to transcend my body and thoughts. My intention is to spend the rest of my days meeting my inner and outer experiences with gentle attention and care.
Stepping into ourselves is the truth.
There's no other way.
Inward & Onward,
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