Whether it is cultural, familial, or some combination of both, it becomes second nature for many of us to not trust ourselves. Until we set aside the concept of consensus, we will spend our days attempting to shape our hearts and souls into impossible configurations in the hopes we earn the approval of others.
Early on I lost so much faith in my own voice and intuition, when John and I disagree in the here and now, all I crave is for him to validate how I feel. While he is good at hearing me out in a way that I know I am safe, we aren't always able to come to a resolution. His life experiences have shaped his views just in the same way my experiences have shaped what is true for me. Neither of us is ultimately 'right', but we also aren't wrong.
I am at a crossroads. I have to honor the part of me that longs to be seen while also recognizing the only validation I have to worry about is my own. There is something powerful about stepping into this space of self-validation. It doesn't eradicate conflict, but it smooths the edges and makes the path to peace a little easier.
I want to extend a sincere apology to the truth I've held within me. This is a truth I locked away years ago, one that John has always honored and for that I am grateful.
I want to say I am sorry for disregarding it, for not loving myself enough to trust it, for giving up on it if no one else agreed with it. For all those long ago times my heart hurt and I buried it, for allowing myself to feel unsafe and unseen, all in the name of outside validation.
Never again.
I love you and I am listening.
Inward & Onward,
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