I had a difficult week.
Having welcomed our puppy, Oakley, over two weeks ago has been equal parts joyful and draining. My hyper-vigilant state to keep all 2 pounds of him healthy and thriving had stretched my coping mechanisms to their breaking point.
It all started with a disastrous attempt to give our sweet boy a fur trim and my emotions spiraled from there. I was convinced I had scarred both of us for life and Oakley would never, ever be able to get groomed because of all the trauma I caused him.
I tend to veer towards the dramatic when overtired and lost in my fear-based thoughts. I couldn't for the life of me find my center. I just had to ride it out.
To add to my stress I had to write this week's Flow practice (A Noted Heart). It was hard, but also easy. Writing spills out of me on a good day, so much so that on a bad day, I can muddle my way through.
My writing comes from beyond my small, uncertain self, and fans out from the sun of my soul. While I write as if I am this sun-soul part of me, in reality, I'm actually still just an ordinary me who gets overtired, sad, and sometimes would rather nap than create inspirational content for her website.
The next day, I took my sun-soul-self's (say that 3 xs fast!) advice and put on some music of triumph and felt...
So. Much. Better.
Oh, how I wish I could be the sun-soul me all the time.
But, this isn't helpful. Wishing life or ourselves to be anything other than what it is or what we are, this is how suffering amplifies.
I can't be the sun-soul me all the time and I am not meant to be this. I'm also not meant to be stuck in a permanent ordinary state either.
What is required of me is to simply notice who is showing up and neither judge this experience or become attached to it. Whether I am bright, daring sun, or I am a clouded, insecure human, I will offer my love and acceptance to both.
Free to feel and be just as I am.
In this moment and every moment ever after.
Inward & Onward
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