If I asked you to imagine what spiritual work looks like the answer would be as varied and unique as you are. You may picture someone kneeling in prayer, chanting in a circle, or perched upon a meditation pillow for endless hours. However, if there isn't a change in the inner experience of any one of these practitioners, then actual spiritual shifts are unlikely.
Still, there is tremendous value in anything we define as spiritual work. With every step on this path we gain insight and knowledge. Being with our inner experience can be uncomfortable, but it remains manageable as long as we keep consistent with our practices whatever they may be. This is where we learn the skills to prepare us for when the real work begins.
Then, a crisis hits and our practices stop working or we stop working our practices. I have experience with both. At times, nothing I do seems to help. Instead of calm I feel chaos. When looking for answers I find more questions. My pain seems louder not softer, and the losses appear to far outweigh the gains.
As hard as this all seems this is where the truth of my spiritual journey lives. Here, unsure of my direction or the next step, this is where growth happens.
For a lifetime I have tamped down more than I care to admit. As it surfaces through the shifting circumstances of my life, I am learning to be with it. I carve out time every day to sit with what hurts and try not to change it. This is where all those practices of mine come in to play.
What will remain of me when I'm through the other side (the good news is there is always an 'other side').
I don't know.
I imagine my attachments to outcomes and the world may shift or they might not. I may become more of who I'm meant to be or learn to accept that I'm already as good as I'm going to get.
Could a simple act of surrender be what saves me? Could I learn to live with what is?
Up until this point I hadn't realized my decades of spiritual seeking have led me to this; beyond thought and closer to my soul, not quite free, but getting there.
Inward & Onward,
Diana, you hit this one spot-on again. Prayer life is so individual, and as you said, it can ebb and flow with seasons of life, or even by the day or week. I struggle with consistency in prayer - but similar to yoga - "any yoga/prayer" is yoga or prayer - no matter the time, amount, or type. Hugs to you and family this Thanksgiving and I'm so grateful you are posting again. Scott