My week did not start out well. Everything seemed off. My mind, my body, my mind's thoughts about my body.
It's in these moments, if I am aware enough, that I know it is time to stop trying to fix my mood and instead shift towards listening to it.
What does this look like exactly?
I set aside 20 mins and scanned my body for any signs, pain, or other signals that could offer information. About ten minutes in, I had a flash of recognition.
I was missing my mom.
Often, we think when enough time passes, we should be 'cured' of our pain from loss. But reminders, in any shape or form, can pierce the tender core of our hidden grief.
Mine materialized for two reasons.
First, the anniversary of my Mom's passing is fast approaching (March 9) and the second was a basketball banquet for my boys. As managers of the team, I was so proud of how they represented themselves and our family throughout the season. I wish my mom could see and know them as they are today.
They were two and four when she died. She only had a snapshot of the incredible humans they were yet to be.
After making this connection to the source of my mood, I understood what needed to be done.
No doing was required of me, instead an offering of love extended to the parts that still ache sometimes. My mood didn't need to change, it needed to be honored.
My way to do this is in the moments I feel as whole and healed as possible, I continue to pay forward the love that my Mom gave to me.
As the famous saying goes, there's no crying in baseball (unless you are a current fan of MLB), but sometimes, a tear or two of remembrance after a basketball banquet is not only allowed, but welcomed with an open heart and a tissue at the ready.
Inward & Onward
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